You Said WHAT?

It has been two weeks since I started my 40 day fast and I must say, it has been quite the ride. As some of you know, if you read my last post, I decided to fast from TV, which I thought would be SO hard, since the temptation is only a few feet away on my wall.

Surprisingly, it's been easy. And when the kids or my husband want to watch a show, I go to my room, turn on my lamps and my Christian rock and snuggle up on my bed, and study. It has become a calming and peaceful way of life, and I am hoping I don't slide backwards when my 40 days are up.

I want to share a couple of things that have happened since I started the fast. Things that have blown my mind and shifted my paradigm so drastically, that I am honestly kind of afraid to share them. I worry that people won't understand. That they'll judge me harshly, but at the same time, I feel as though it's okay to share. That I should share.

On the very first day of my fast, the Spirit was so strong as I prayed, that I sobbed and sobbed, begging the Lord to forgive me of my numerous sins and to show me his face. More than anything, I wanted to be in his presence. That it was the goal of my fast and to tell me how to do it.

It was a beautiful moment even though He didn't appear or take me to him. (which I didn't expect, but did hope for.) I asked the Lord to tell me what I should start out with--where I should begin my study. I had no idea where to start, but immediately I felt led to the blog, (not during my prayer but very soon after) Pure Revelations. I knew immediately the Lord wanted me to study every entry and so I did.

What powerful words of inspiration I found there!! It was just want I needed! Just what I asked for! It almost seemed miraculous, but I've come to expect the miraculous since I started this journey. Here I am fasting to receive my second comforter and I find a blog where someone has written a book called, "How to Have Your Second Comforter"!! I downloaded the book and it has absolutely changed my life. Completely. You can find it here.

I have been following this author's counsel ever since.

One of the things (I'm going to call the author Jonathan) Jonathan does is have a "holy" time, three or more times a week, with the Lord. He goes into the privacy of his room or closet and always starts with the sacrament, blessing it himself (obviously). I wanted to have experiences like Jonathon also. SO BAD!! But I'm a girl and my husband is seldom around when I want to have this kind of experience. Plus, I'm doing this fast alone and so I prayed for a solution.

I prayed and prayed, asking the Lord what I should do. The words were clear and precise in my head. He told me to bless the sacrament myself. I couldn't have heard right. I literally recoiled at the thought! I'm a woman! I can't bless the sacrament! I'd be struck by lightning! But the words came again. Bless it yourself.

I have spoken with the Lord my whole life and really feel I know the sound of his voice, but even still, I just couldn't bless my own sacrament. Everyone is deceived at times, so I prayed even harder to have the adversary expelled from me and my home, that I would be shielded from any unclean thing during my prayer time. And then I prayed again, getting the same answer.

I decided to muscle test. I learned the art of muscle testing years ago and use it frequently. I have since learned it is a good way for your spirit, which carries a record of all truth from the pre-existence, especially when combined with The Holy Spirit, to tell you what you should and shouldn't do (especially if you're doubting that voice in your head). You're body can't lie. We try to make it lie. Oh, do we humans go to great lengths to get it to lie, but it can't. From micro-expressions to muscle testing, your body always tells the truth.

Anyway, I muscled tested over and over in various ways, trying to get an answer that said, "No, you can't bless your own sacrament, you stupid girl!" But that answer never came. It was always the same. Bless your sacrament. After all this, I prayed again, asking if that was really the right answer, because I didn't want to make a mistake and offend the Lord. I can still feel His words in my mind saying, "How many different ways do I have to say it before you'll believe me?" He also said, it's just a prayer. A prayer that makes no reference to priesthood or authority and I could say it for myself. I decided I had my answer even though it went against everything I was ever taught. That said, I decided to trust in the Lord. I have a very thick skull and the Lord has to go to great lengths at times to get me to understand!

I was so afraid, because even though I'd gotten a yes answer, it still felt wrong! I truly feel that Satan DIDN'T want me to do this, and that he also was going to great lengths to stop me, to make me doubt myself and the Lord. But I pushed through, trusting that loving voice that has never led me astray. I knelt down by my bed, my sacrament before me, and prayed, using the same words as Jonathan (in his book he said he changed the words to "I" and "me" instead of "us" and "we") I felt so connected to God. So loved. The spirit was very strong.

Since that day, I have had my "holy" time with the Lord almost every day. I devour whatever he tells me to study. One day it was Psalms. I'd NEVER studied Psalms and didn't really want to, but the Lord's voice was insistent. I learned some amazing things from that record!! Who woulda thunk it?

I'm studying The Words of Joseph Smith now and learning some wonderful truths there. I hope to dive deeper and learn more every day, growing closer to the Lord as I do. This fast has been an amazing experience and it has only been two weeks! I have not received my Second Comforter yet, and sometimes I wonder if I ever will, but I'll keep hoping and praying and trying to do ALL THINGS the Lord commands me. No matter how crazy or uncomfortable.

Letting Go and Accepting What Is

Have you ever forgotten a password or username for some account you use? Did you rant and rave, pull your hair out or want to throw your computer against the wall? After that, did you bargain and plead with God to help you to understand the problem only to face more frustration? (are you recognizing the 5 stages of grief here? LOL)

I recently did some serious in depth cleaning of my computer since it wasn't behaving and the cleansing period erased some important things. Like hints at what the password and email were for a certain google account.

The one that affects this blog.

I hadn't posted for a while, because I wait for the Lord to tell me to, so it's easy to forget little things like passwords or whole freakin' email addresses when my computer erases them. Anyway, a few days ago I felt like I might want to write, and when I tried to log on I couldn't. My password and user ID did not match... according to Google.

I KNEW I was doing it right. I was right, right, right! I had my password! I could remember it, dang it. After that, I tried every password I could ever remember using. NOTHING worked. After a couple of days of battle I tried to contact Google but they don't pay people to help recover accounts from forgetful people and my attempts at logging in always ended the same way.

After a week of talking to google "volunteers" and trying to figure it out, and after a solid week of praying and asking for the Lord's help, and not getting it... for SEVEN days, I finally let go. I finally accepted that I might not recover this account, ie this blog. Ever. It might have to be abandoned. And it was finally okay. I could let go, because the Lord was in control. He had already whispered to my mind that if He wanted me to keep blogging, things would work out and I needed to have faith and wait on Him.

Then, this morning, I thought I'd try one more time, just for curiosity's sake and what do you know? Loud and clear, the mistake I'd made was revealed to my mind. I REMEMBERED what I did wrong. I'd forgotten my own email address, or at least a couple numbers at the end, and it wasn't until I had given up, given in, and calmed my mind, that He could tell me my mistake.

As soon as I typed in the correct email, everything went through just fine. I now sit here in awe and amazement, listening to my kids argue out in the living room, but I'm not going to let that affect me. I've just experienced something otherworldly. The Lord spoke to my mind. His words were clear. "You forgot the 01 in the email address." I responded with, "Are you serious? I've been miserable all week, trying to figure this out, beating myself up for being so stupid, and THIS is what was wrong all this time?? Why didn't You tell me sooner!!"

Well, I suppose it's because the Still Small Voice couldn't get through my manic panic. It occurs to me that this is how things work in all aspects of our lives. How often do we miss the message because our thoughts are too loud? How often do we pray, demanding, tell me how to fix this!, over and over, and hear no answer? I really tried to hear. I wanted to get my blog back like you couldn't believe, but it wasn't until I was willing to sacrifice this blog, to give it up, to give it all to Him, that He finally spoke to me in a way I could hear and understand.

This is the pattern of my life. Seriously.

But dang, it was cool and my heart is so full!

The moral of the story is....