You Said WHAT?

It has been two weeks since I started my 40 day fast and I must say, it has been quite the ride. As some of you know, if you read my last post, I decided to fast from TV, which I thought would be SO hard, since the temptation is only a few feet away on my wall.

Surprisingly, it's been easy. And when the kids or my husband want to watch a show, I go to my room, turn on my lamps and my Christian rock and snuggle up on my bed, and study. It has become a calming and peaceful way of life, and I am hoping I don't slide backwards when my 40 days are up.

I want to share a couple of things that have happened since I started the fast. Things that have blown my mind and shifted my paradigm so drastically, that I am honestly kind of afraid to share them. I worry that people won't understand. That they'll judge me harshly, but at the same time, I feel as though it's okay to share. That I should share.

On the very first day of my fast, the Spirit was so strong as I prayed, that I sobbed and sobbed, begging the Lord to forgive me of my numerous sins and to show me his face. More than anything, I wanted to be in his presence. That it was the goal of my fast and to tell me how to do it.

It was a beautiful moment even though He didn't appear or take me to him. (which I didn't expect, but did hope for.) I asked the Lord to tell me what I should start out with--where I should begin my study. I had no idea where to start, but immediately I felt led to the blog, (not during my prayer but very soon after) Pure Revelations. I knew immediately the Lord wanted me to study every entry and so I did.

What powerful words of inspiration I found there!! It was just want I needed! Just what I asked for! It almost seemed miraculous, but I've come to expect the miraculous since I started this journey. Here I am fasting to receive my second comforter and I find a blog where someone has written a book called, "How to Have Your Second Comforter"!! I downloaded the book and it has absolutely changed my life. Completely. You can find it here.

I have been following this author's counsel ever since.

One of the things (I'm going to call the author Jonathan) Jonathan does is have a "holy" time, three or more times a week, with the Lord. He goes into the privacy of his room or closet and always starts with the sacrament, blessing it himself (obviously). I wanted to have experiences like Jonathon also. SO BAD!! But I'm a girl and my husband is seldom around when I want to have this kind of experience. Plus, I'm doing this fast alone and so I prayed for a solution.

I prayed and prayed, asking the Lord what I should do. The words were clear and precise in my head. He told me to bless the sacrament myself. I couldn't have heard right. I literally recoiled at the thought! I'm a woman! I can't bless the sacrament! I'd be struck by lightning! But the words came again. Bless it yourself.

I have spoken with the Lord my whole life and really feel I know the sound of his voice, but even still, I just couldn't bless my own sacrament. Everyone is deceived at times, so I prayed even harder to have the adversary expelled from me and my home, that I would be shielded from any unclean thing during my prayer time. And then I prayed again, getting the same answer.

I decided to muscle test. I learned the art of muscle testing years ago and use it frequently. I have since learned it is a good way for your spirit, which carries a record of all truth from the pre-existence, especially when combined with The Holy Spirit, to tell you what you should and shouldn't do (especially if you're doubting that voice in your head). You're body can't lie. We try to make it lie. Oh, do we humans go to great lengths to get it to lie, but it can't. From micro-expressions to muscle testing, your body always tells the truth.

Anyway, I muscled tested over and over in various ways, trying to get an answer that said, "No, you can't bless your own sacrament, you stupid girl!" But that answer never came. It was always the same. Bless your sacrament. After all this, I prayed again, asking if that was really the right answer, because I didn't want to make a mistake and offend the Lord. I can still feel His words in my mind saying, "How many different ways do I have to say it before you'll believe me?" He also said, it's just a prayer. A prayer that makes no reference to priesthood or authority and I could say it for myself. I decided I had my answer even though it went against everything I was ever taught. That said, I decided to trust in the Lord. I have a very thick skull and the Lord has to go to great lengths at times to get me to understand!

I was so afraid, because even though I'd gotten a yes answer, it still felt wrong! I truly feel that Satan DIDN'T want me to do this, and that he also was going to great lengths to stop me, to make me doubt myself and the Lord. But I pushed through, trusting that loving voice that has never led me astray. I knelt down by my bed, my sacrament before me, and prayed, using the same words as Jonathan (in his book he said he changed the words to "I" and "me" instead of "us" and "we") I felt so connected to God. So loved. The spirit was very strong.

Since that day, I have had my "holy" time with the Lord almost every day. I devour whatever he tells me to study. One day it was Psalms. I'd NEVER studied Psalms and didn't really want to, but the Lord's voice was insistent. I learned some amazing things from that record!! Who woulda thunk it?

I'm studying The Words of Joseph Smith now and learning some wonderful truths there. I hope to dive deeper and learn more every day, growing closer to the Lord as I do. This fast has been an amazing experience and it has only been two weeks! I have not received my Second Comforter yet, and sometimes I wonder if I ever will, but I'll keep hoping and praying and trying to do ALL THINGS the Lord commands me. No matter how crazy or uncomfortable.

Dreams and Invites

As soon as I read the email that the "Remnant", and anyone else who wanted to participate, was invited to take part in a 40 day fast (find more info about that here) for more charity, I knew I wanted to participate. No, I knew I NEEDED to participate. It was something I felt at a gut level. The Lord was shining a light bulb in my mind, telling me to wake up and get moving.

"We would like to invite any and all to join in a 40-day fast for the Lord to pour out His Spirit and His love (charity). It will begin February 8 and end March 20th (spring equinox). This can look however you want it to look. It may not have anything to do with abstaining from food if you don't want it to. You could abstain from something else. Perhaps you could give something "away" to those who suffer (instead of giving something "up" to make yourself suffer). Or you might simply focus on adding light to your life. It may be appropriate to include prayer, meditation, "rejoicing" and whatever else might be deemed as "all the energy of one's heart." For more information as to why this might be a good idea, please see the following points and cited scriptures."

Let me be clear. I am not a faster. I've never enjoyed it nor desired it. I find fasting, in any way, torturous, but something told me this fast would be different for me and would not include food, which is what most of us associate with fasting.

With this particular fast, we are invited to focus on fasting for charity, but I am also fasting to receive further light and knowledge. You see, lately I have been avidly praying to receive my second comforter like so many others have received. Well, I don't know about "so many" but I know quite a few of you out there who have had this experience, and I can't for the life of me figure out why I haven't! I mean, I'm no better or worse than most people, so there must be some other secret ingredient I'm missing. It has been my mission these last few months to figure it out. I really think this fast will be my catalyst. At least I hope so.

Two weeks ago or so, I had an unusual dream, the meaning perfectly clear as soon as I woke, and it knocked me off my feet. A powerful message that told me I was not rising to the "Lord's" occasion. Here's the dream....

I arrived late to a Relief Society meeting. It wasn't my ward, but many of my friends were there. (I haven't attended RS is a couple of years, so it was odd) I hurried to sit down, not wanting to be noticed (in the front of the room). Of course, as soon as I did, the woman in charge asked if I would like to share my story. (I never saw her face, only heard her voice. She felt powerful and completely in charge, but also very patient, loving, and kind) 

NO WAY did I want to share. Everyone was looking at me and waiting, and I felt very uncomfortable. I answered, "What exactly would you like to know?" You see, if they wanted to ask a specific question about my story, I was happy to share, but I didn't want to just dive in and say something that would invite their condemnation. The woman in charge didn't answer my question, but she said, "We can pass you by if you'd like."

That was exactly what I wanted, and I said, "Yes, pass me by." 

I was passed by. There was no judgement. I didn't feel looked down on or in any way like I was "wrong" for wanting to crawl under a log and hide. 

Then the dream shifted to a long, high wall that we were all shuffling along. We held hands as we made our way, the last person in line helping the next one up. The wall was only a foot in width, so there wasn't much room to balance on. When it was my turn to help someone up, it was an older man who was huge and heavy. I was sure he'd pull me down rather than me successfully helping him up. It took a lot of work, but I got the guy up onto the ledge. What a huge it relief that I was still safe and still on the wall with the others who were trying to get to the desired destination! We then continued shuffling along the wall. Man, was I happy my part was over!

When I woke up, I felt so unhappy! I knew what this dream was telling me! That I was passing up opportunities to share my testimony! That I am too worried about myself, rather than helping others to rise. And I'll be passed by if that is what I really want, which is okay, but that IS NOT WHAT I WANT! I want the Lord to use me. I want to be an instrument in his hands, and yet, at every opportunity I tell him to pass me by!

What a huge wake up call!

I sat down and thought about what was holding me back. Insecurity. Fear of rejection from my friends, fear of looking stupid or crazy. Fear of ridicule. Fear of man.

Since that dream I have prayed and prayed for guidance, for what I can do to change course and truly follow the Savior without fear. How could I be more obedient and better prepare myself? This fast. And not just for charity and to better follow Him, but for my second comforter visit, which I feel deep in my heart isn't too far away if I am diligent.

The number one thing the Spirit told me to do was to stop watching so much TV. Yep. It's still an issue. One I always feel guilty about. When I'm tired, which I frequently am, it's my go-to. But I need a catalyst to help me. I feel too weak to quit on my own. I need something that will force my hand and motivate me so-to-speak. 

This fast is the perfect thing. I started today. 

Normally, I turn on the news first thing, to make sure we're all still here and no national catastrophe has occurred. It relaxes me. But not today. Today I woke up thinking about my bright future and how excited I felt. So far, it hasn't even been hard, but we're only a few hours in.

My day began with Denver Snuffer's The Testimony of St. John. It has started my fast off in the right spirit and I hope to experience many great and wonderful things during these next 40 days. If nothing else, I'll fill my mind with great literature and hours of study I would not have normally had. I'll meditate more, do yoga, and listen to a lot of my favorite music. Christian rock. I'll play the piano more, sing, and practice the guitar, which I seldom do anymore. I'll go on long walks and play games with my kids. Things I should be doing already.

THANK YOU, to whoever thought of this fast, and for inviting everyone to participate. If any of you reading this would like to join in, it's not too late. It's never too late to turn your heart toward the Savior.

The Lord has invited us all. Many are called, but few are chosen. Oh, please let me be one of the few who are chosen. And may you be too.